More of the Men with Mechanical Hands
Or, who else was traumatized by a dumb clown doll?
Following our look at G.I. Joe’s Major Bludd, we dive into character specifics. This time, exploring the trope of “cybernetics”.
Unlike androids or robotics, we’re using cybernetics here as a term for “a living organism that has restored function or enhanced abilities due to the integration of some artificial component or technology…” Sometimes Wikipedia just nails it.
Please note, I was not a brave child. (Nor for that matter, am I a particularly brave adult, but that’s another matter.) When I was a kid, I watched Poltergeist over at a friend’s house one afternoon, and after seeing that goddamn clown doll scene I slept with the covers over my head for years.
Years!
In fact, it took me until just this last Halloween to force myself to rewatch that movie. The gross parts still gross me out, and the effects still frighten me… and yes, the clown doll scene still had me jumping, but at least I confronted an old demon and got through it.
(My triumphs may be small—tiny in fact—but personally significant.)
One of my other terrifying cinematic memories involved going to the theater to watch Superman III.
Yes, the goofy one.
Yes, the one with Richard Pryor as a villain and so silly that even Christopher Reeve asked his own father not to watch it.
And it still managed to scare me.
There are some actually watchable elements of the film. Not any of the goofy bits, but the Superman vs. Clark Kent fight in the junkyard stands out. And, the scene that terrified me—in the final showdown when Vera Webster (already frightening enough) is dragged into the unnamed “Ultimate Computer”1 and transformed into a cyborg.
On Cybernetics
Using G.I. Joe’s Major Bludd as a starting point, let’s look at using cybernetics with our own fictional characters. When it comes to cybernetics and cyborgs in stories, there are innumerable angles to take. So perhaps we consider a few where cybernetics are not always so advanced… or even welcome at all.
After all, in Bludd’s case, he may have even gained his mechanical arm as a result of—or for protection from—his own weaponry.
To Survive a Broken Body: In The Six Million Dollar Man, Steve Austin is “rebuilt” with cybernetics, not only saving his life but effectively imbuing him with superpowers.2 Cybernetics as a net positive.
While true for Steve Austin, I find it more dramatic when superpowers come at a high cost. In the case of Darth Vader, his cybernetics likewise saved his life after great injury, imbuing him with (even further) superpowers… only now he can no longer survive without them. At the end of Return of the Jedi, Vader cannot live a few minutes without his helmet (a sacrifice he’s willing to make to truly look upon his son).3
There’s a certain body horror element to infusing your living self with mechanical parts. As a story device, it can help when these mechanics are not just presented as pure net benefits with new powers unlocked, but the cost required to obtain them (mental as much as financial) or a newfound dependence upon them is very much worth exploring.
The Antiquated Machine: If Darth Vader explores the cost of acquiring cybernetics, there’s also exploration to be made about the cost of operating and maintaining them as well. No free energy! It has to come from somewhere…
But just because something’s mechanical does not always equate to advanced. Steampunk, dieselpunk, or similar genres might include cybernetics with various rare, dirty or dangerous fuel requirements, as well as parts that belch oily smoke, have visible flames, etc. Such cybernetics might also be finicky, prone to misfires and breakages, and require constant tinkering and maintenance.
The Too Advanced Machine: On the other end, there’s cybernetic tech from some future or alien society that’s so far advanced as not to be fully understandable—think of District 9 or the Blue Beetle4.
For those of us growing up in the ‘80s, also consider the “suit” from Greatest American Hero (1981-83), which is not “superpowered” so much as gifted by aliens so advanced as to seem superpowered (the old, “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” quote). It even came with an instruction manual (or should have; Ralph, the hapless hero, with the hapless hero name, kept losing it).
In which case, the true costs of the cybernetics, the sacrifices, consequences, etc., might not be known or understood. Even the origins of the tech itself might not be clear… and can have profound repercussions once finally revealed.
(As a side note, I always thought it cool as hell that the aliens communicated by playing around with Ralph’s car radio, automatically jumping from station to station to form the necessary phrases. An advanced society commandeering older tech also has its own story charm; like E.T. building a communications device out of toys.)
A Ghost in the Machine: There’s also the danger of machines with a mind of their own. Think of Dr. Strangelove’s own evil hand trying to choke him (also seen as a result of “The Revolutionary,” a torture device in Gene Wolfe’s absolutely masterful The Shadow of the Torturer5).
Whether an unexpected bug, an undefended hack, or some malicious sentience, a cybernetic that acts of its own accord—which may be secretly or even overtly directed against its owner—can make for its own kind of high-stakes mystery.
The “Random” Button: Finally, here’s another movie memory. I vaguely recall a series of live action Disney movies of the ‘70s and ‘80s starring Don Knotts and Tim Conway—The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975), The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979), and The Private Eyes (1980).6
No, these ones did not scare me, surprisingly.
But about the only thing I can remember about any of these films, is that one of the characters had a pistol attached to an alarm clock that would automatically fire (and would only fire) when the alarm went off. Every hour.
It was ridiculous, but other random effects that plague cybernetics could likewise make for odd, dangerous, or otherwise memorable moments!
Next time: Cybernetics in D&D/TTRPGs.
In an unused story treatment, this would have been a machine devised by Brainiac and used to alter Superman’s personality (instead of the movie’s synthetic kryptonite).
And now I’ve learned of a Six Million Dollar Man/G.I. Joe crossover. From the description: “The greatest American heroes go face-to-face with the most dangerous living weapon... Steve Austin! It's a showdown between '70s icons-kung-fu grip vs. bionic eye!”
Way back when, The Theft of Vader’s Helmet was a scenario I wrote for the Star Wars Minis game back in 2004. It was meant to be a goofball “What If” that nevertheless earned me a conversation with my manager at the time, Chris Perkins.
Gratuitous Predator reference: Rocio Reyes, Jaime’s mother, is played by Elpidia Carrillo—Anna herself, from Predator!
You can probably find all these on Disney+, but please watch Andor instead. Let’s get those viewership numbers up!