The Ghost of Christmas "Presents"
And some lessons learned along the way...
And so, another Christmas has come and gone, and again I am reminded of a few key lessons:
Christmas Eve is vastly superior to Christmas. At least for me as an adult (and maybe even as a kid as well). The lead-up, the mystery, the anticipation…
Funny enough, I started this Substack complaining about J.J. Abrams and his use of mystery boxes. In storytelling, I argued that you do need to open the box eventually. Which, I suppose is true on Christmas as well; but it can be more satisfying to consider the presents in advance.
A recent This American Life covered this as well, in their I Hate Mysteries episode. A teacher played a game with students, asking them to guess what object was in a sealed box. They could hold it, shake it, etc., but when none of them guessed correctly… she never let them open the box1. It did not go well.
In any case, Christmas Eve is about staying up late, eating, drinking, and playing games (including What’s in the Box Under the Tree?!?). Christmas morning is about getting up too early, sitting on the floor surrounding by bleary-eyed relatives in their pajamas, and disappointment.
(Not for me this year, and I’ll get to my Top 3 Why’s in a minute. But as a kid you can never get enough gifts, and once everything is opened… well, the Christmas clock resets for a whole new year!)
What are we doing with all these sports cards? My kid opens boxes and boxes of sports cards: NFL, NBA, MLB… Before it was sports cards, he started his fix watching “surprise egg” videos on his iPad, as many kids do.
If you’re not familiar with this genre, millions of videos exist to entertain young children, largely featuring the host (often only seen as a pair of hands) opening plastic eggs and capsules to reveal some toy inside.
These eggs are not exactly Kinder Surprise Eggs. But if you’re familiar with Hatchimals, Disney Tsum Tsums, LOL Surprise!, Shopkins, or any of the countless other brands (and if you’re not, thank your maker), these make for addictive viewing.
Our kid was into Mash’Ems (and oh boy, when he finally got hold of that elusive Joker Mash’Em), along with a few other brands, but it quickly became apparent that what was most desired was the dopamine hit that came with opening a new egg and seeing what was inside. Not actually having the thing inside; most of those “toys” you couldn’t actually play with, you just collected. And for a kid, collecting means opening eggs… and then asking for more eggs.
Much the same happens with sports cards now. It’s exciting to “rip packs” and see what cards are inside—and bonus, some are worth actual money! But more often than not, I’m cleaning up cards left around as if they no longer have any more value than the wrappers they came in. Sure, some of the better cards may get sleeved… but that seems to be the end of the process.
In a way, I wish we could go back to just watching videos to get the same dopamine fix (and there certainly are countless videos of people ripping packs). God bless whoever invents some sort of “Netflix DVD” model, where they send out sports packs, you open them, and then covertly send them back to get repackaged and sent to new subscribers. It’ll work; trust me, our kid has no idea what cards he does or doesn’t own!
I need to learn how to wrap. I can barely wrap a square box without it looking like complete shit. Even then I usually extend the sides out way too long, so I end up folding the equivalent of a paper firehose and taping it all down; or, in some strange need to conserve paper, cut off way too little and tape it around the present skin-tight.
I’d like to learn how to wrap a present so that it looks… nice. You know, ribbons and bows, and all that.
Speaking of presents, here are my Top 3 Gifts Received this year…
1. Sweatpants
I never was a sweatpants guy.2 I think Jerry Seinfeld lambasting George for wearing them really stuck with me:
But then, George was wearing sweatpants out and about the city. What about in the comfort of your own home? And I am a comfort guy (just not with clothes). I love a good nap. I enjoy taking baths. But my wife noticed that at the end of a long day, when I finally emerge from a nice, hot bath… I change back into jeans.
She got me sweatpants. I’ll finally give them a try.
2. Moisturizer
Like with the comfort of sweatpants, there’s also other nice things you can get for yourself. And like sweatpants, these are things I just don’t think to get for myself.
Face moisturizer is one. I use it. It’s great. I just don’t ever buy any for myself, so it’s a welcome gift to find a new set waiting for me. Same goes for the eye cream as well—both of which I need; I squint a lot, my eyes are creased, and I once made the mistake of catching the comments during a Dragon+ livestream that noted how I looked a lot like Toby Flenderson. It was not meant as a compliment.3
3. Holiday G.I. Joe
OK. This was legitimately cool. Last time, I wrote about how my father-in-law gifted me a package of muffins, with two of them missing. Maybe… not the best gift I ever received? (“What? They’re delicious,” I believe was his explanation.)
This year, he got me this. A “Home for the Holidays” G.I. Joe. He made the effort to go to a flea market, found this, and knew it would be a great gift for a grown man who collects dollies4. And it is! Even (see my notes above) wrapped in his signature “newspaper wrapping paper” style.
Best gift of the year!
Next time, a look at the books from the past year that grabbed me, and why.
What to do with all of those gift card? Before I forget! For those of you receiving gift cards this holiday season, and wondering what to spend them on? Well! Might I point you to a debut fantasy novel (adult science-fantasy, to be precise) available now!
Infusing Celtic legend into science fantasy... Despite being mortal enemies, a saint and her disgraced former commander must solve the mystery of a failing sky and find the missing children of their shattered world.
Bolted to the Bone is on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple Books, Google Play, and Kobo. Currently at 4.45 stars on Goodreads!
Well, at least at first. You’ll need to listen to the end of the episode.
Or much of a pajamas guy either, for that matter.
I don’t think? Never look at the comments during a livestream.
That’s how I assume how he would describe things. Believe me, I love collecting my ACTION FIGURES!!!